Regard, Regard, PZ Myers And Burn With Envy!

Today in a local bookshop, I may have found the grand grimoire of practical and potentially life-saving tips for handling daily encounters with giant squid. Animals of the Ocean: In Particular the Giant Squid is Volume 3 of the Haggis-On-Whey World of Unbelievable Brilliance series.

From the very first page, author Dr. Doris Haggis-on-Whey sets the record straight,

Dear Reader,
You have purchased this book and now you will learn. The ocean has been on the earth for thousands of years. It is generally blue and nearly always viscous. Most people feel that the ocean is not interesting to study because of these factors, but I think the ocean is not so bad. There are many misconceptions about the ocean, generally perpetuated by the world's religions and poets. What is in the ocean, you ask, besides water and tuna? The answer is not much. In researching this book, we spent many hours in the ocean, sometimes fully submerged, and we saw very little. That is why this book is slimmer than we had planned.

There's so much more sage wisdom, but you'll have to find out for yourselves.

Inside, you'll also learn everything you need to know about giant squid: squid history (they came from the center of the earth through the same tunnels the molemen once used), squid dating do's and don'ts (Do Not eviscerate your date with your beak), and the daily diet of giant squids (surprisingly, it's pie, followed closely by cobbler and craisins.)

Of particular value is a handy guide of important questions to ask yourself should you suspect you are being eaten by a giant squid. I don't know how I've managed to get this far without it.